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LiveJournal for Shindou Shuichi.

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Friday, April 16th, 2004

Time:4:28 pm.
Mood: anxious.
Yes! I'm 20 now! So this is what it's like being 20... hmm... unfortunately, I still have a year before I can legally drink; not that I listen to that! Speaking of which... I want to go to a nightclub with Yuki tonight! A whole night of dancing... drinking... Sounds fun! And then the idea of having hot, wild sex in front of a crowd doesn't sound too bad either... not in the least. Whether Yuki would approve or not is another story entirely. Maybe it's my hormones that are making me think of these things... does turning 20 make your hormones go crazy or something? I don't know... but I want to do SOMETHING with Yuki tonight. Stupid party is going to take most of our time. It's the first time everyone is going to see me since I got back. I don't look forward to it at all. A lot more bruises to add to my collection... meh.

Maybe Yuki's right... I'm overemotional. But I'm not like Maiko! No! I'm not like my sister at ALL.
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Thursday, April 15th, 2004

Subject:Complicated Decision
Time:8:27 pm.
Mood: bouncy.
I'm back! All thanks to my Yuki! And K-san... and... Tohma I guess. But all that matters is that I'm back! My throat still acts like it doesn't want to speak... but other than that I think I'm fine for the most part. There's one thing that I can't get out of my head though...

Yuki told me that there is a possibility that Noriko is pregnant with his child. I mean... it's not fair! If anyone should be, it's me! Not Noriko! Hmph. It makes me so mad... I was mad with Yuki at first... but then I realized that he isn't the one I should be mad at. It's her. She's probably the one that seduced him! Yuki is really weak to that sort of thing. I should know! Noriko is not on my friend list right now.

Once the news got out about my return home; I got a call from my mom. It turns out that Maiko has run off somewhere. Typical... she was always the more emotional of the two of us. Why would she do that? Is she stupid or something? Why are girls so overconfident in themselves? I hope I don't get to be that way.

Oh... I'm thinking about quitting my job as a singer. If my voice doesn't get better, I'll have no choice anyway, but also I just don't feel like the hassle anymore. That was why I was taken in the first place. That was what caused all of the bad stuff to happen lately. Besides, I don't think I can ever look at Noriko again.

On the bright side, my birthday's tomorrow! I wonder what Yuki's getting me. Hmm... a puppy... a kitty... what could it be? I wanna know!!!! Yuuuukiiii!

Well, until tomorrow! I'll update you! =D
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Sunday, March 28th, 2004

Time:8:00 am.
Mood: complacent.
I'm out of that place.... but tired... very tired...

I can't express how happy I am... Yuki came for me.... as I dreamed he would...

He's sure changed in the past few years...

I'm thankful for that.

Aishiteru Yuki-kun.
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Wednesday, March 17th, 2004

Time:6:50 pm.
Mood: tired.
I was in the worst interview of my life just yesterday.

After all of the interviews I've been involved in, no one has ever called me a liar before... maybe they're right. Maybe this is all a part of my imagination... maybe I did leave Yuki on purpose.

I'm not sure... but all of a sudden I just want to curl up and die... there's a nice little corner I can do it in with no trouble at all.

A liar... that's all I am. All these bruises... wounds... they're my doing. Unconcious or not.

Thursday, March 4th, 2004

Time:7:29 pm.
Mood: rejected.
All great and wonderful things come to an end I suppose.

I saw Yuki... I saw what he did in front of everyone... and I know what all has happened because of me. Finally, everything has been shown to me... and through the hunger and pain that I'm feeling... the worst pain struck just a few minutes ago.

I know everyone hates me... even if Yuki doesn't. That's really what hurts... the fact that I'm hated by anyone at all... I didn't do anything... why am I... blamed... It's not my fault I was grabbed... I didn't mean to...

I want out... I want home... I...

Can't stop crying...

Wednesday, February 25th, 2004

Time:8:05 pm.
Mood: cold.
Silence... silence is all I want right now.

Wait... silence is what got me here in the first place.

Yuki... where am I? Why don't you come save me... like someone from a dream? A knight in shining armor... wait. What am I saying. That isn't your type of thing at all. I want out of this... out of this place. I'm still unable to utter a word... maybe it's my nerves... that is probably the reason. Yuki... I was wrong. This isn't what I imagined... I just wish that you knew what was going on... I wish I could tell you... did you not understand what was at the end of the letter... did you even get it...

Or did you even bother to open it.

Do you care any about my absence?

Does anyone care?

Or am I forever alone from now on?

I love you regardless Yuki.

Friday, February 20th, 2004

Subject:On and on... monotony in its purest form.
Time:10:12 pm.
Mood: lethargic.
Yes... I'm aware that your birthday is coming up... some time Yuki. I'm not sure when though, since all of the days tend to run into each other when you're in isolation. How long have I been in here? A month? No... that would mean... or has Yuki's birthday come and gone already... I don't know. I still don't know why I'm here. No one will be kind enough so as to tell me. I don't know why that is either. Is it me? Do I scare them? In that case, why did they grab me? I don't think I've ever been this confused before. Yuki... if only you were here to help me out of all this. Tohma too. He could help too. Hey. Maybe you two can visit me sometime... maybe they'll let me send you a letter or something... or a postcard. I don't know... maybe. Every day I'm in here, it's as if the walls are gradually closing in on me... threatening to squeeze me to death. I hope that doesn't happen. I have to see you again Yuki!

As for my physical state at the moment. I haven't improved much. My voice is still gone... left without a trace. I wish I could communicate other than on paper, but this is the only way I have now. I wonder if everyone still worries about me... maybe they forgot me by now. I know it's been a long time. I don't think Yuki would approve of me now though... all bruised and cut up. Maybe being alone is best... maybe... possibly...

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

Subject:Dear Uesugi Eiri...
Time:8:12 pm.
Mood: crushed.
[This is the first of the torn letters Yuki will recieve from Shu in his confinement. =) As of now, Shu is being pressured to do this, but doesn''t realize that it will be sent to Yuki. =P]

What an odd combination of words to use... my Yuki's full name. The name I never use for fear of his disapproval. Under certain conditions, I am composing this letter... since I feel as if I should do it. Even if my dear Yuki never sees it.

Yuki. I want you to know that I am still here... still thinking of you... still breathing. Don't worry about me... I'm just... away for awhile is all. Simply an inconvenience. Nothing too serious. Nonetheless, I miss everyone. Even Tohma, K, and Mika for that matter. You most of all though. It hurts not having you here with me, but I've made do so far. All I want you to know is don't worry about me. I'm just fine. I'll be home in no time... I hope. Depends on what exactly I'm needed for. I don't know yet. Yuki... I love you more than ever. Please... if this all doesn't turn out okay... I want you to know that I'll love you unconditionally forever. Tell everyone hi for me, okay?


P.S. Yuki-kun... minoshirokin... tasuke...

Wednesday, February 18th, 2004

Time:6:18 pm.
Mood: sore.
The days and nights drag on and on, with no real acknowlegement. I only know the time of day by my internal clock... such luxuries aren't allowed in this place. I sleep, sleep, and sleep some more. It's all I can do. Dreaming of Yuki... being home... singing again... at times it just hurts to think of these things. Nonetheless, I do it. I do it so that I don't completely withdraw into myself. The urge grows stronger and stronger by the day. Four days... I judge. Four days or so I have been here... alone among my thoughts. I've longed many times for solitude... but this is just too much. I long for attention again... even Tohma's... Yuki's... Even K pointing a gun at my head seems better than being here. At least I know that he isn't serious. The men here won't hesitate in shooting me if I make one wrong move.

Speaking of which, one man has mulltiplied. There are now five keeping a vigil over me. I'm never alone... though I am. Does that make sense? And by now... I'm pretty battered from the way they treat me. Every now and then, I get a beating. I don't know why... but as time goes by, it becomes a ritual. No more do I really mind it... it just happens. My clothes are torn... bruises cover me... gashes that won't stop bleeding. But I think of Yuki, seeing him again and that keeps me going. By now... I can barely speak. I don't know if it's permanent, but if it is... everything for me is over. Singing... everything I know will shatter into a million pieces around me...

Yuki... I'm slipping... I need you so much...

Monday, February 16th, 2004

Subject:Yuuuukkkiiiii...... ;_;
Time:8:01 pm.
Mood: morose.
Well, Valentine's Day has come and passed. I can't say that I enjoyed myself all too much. For one, I am glad that I take you everywhere journal, for I have no one else to talk to anymore. Well, you're probably wondering what happpened to make me so glum, ne? Well, might as well tell you since there's lack of anyone else.

I was just out, wanting to get a special gift for Yuki. A very special gift. After all, Yuki's my everything! I love Yuki so much! But anyway, I was pretty much minding my own business, window shopping for things I couldn't possibly afford and daydreaming of Yuki's reactions if I should have gotten him those things. I can't possibly describe the kawaiiness that entailed! Once more, I'm going off-track. Yuki! Stop invading my head at every moment so I can tell my story! Okay. Anyway, I was minding my own business when this man came up to me and asked for my autograph. Being the wonderful, nice person I am, I accepted. When I reached out to give him both the pen and pad of paper though, he grabbed me. Unfortunately, nothing wanted to come from my mouth then... not a scream, cry... anything. Not that anyone would have heard anyhow... Tokyo is much too loud to allow a mere scream pierce it. I was doomed from the start.

But here, as I speak, I am caged in a small room... no windows or light aside from the small one in the door itself. Every now and then, the mysterious man from earlier peers inside to check on me. No... he's not checking on me. He's making sure that I don't try to kill myself. Obviously, I'm needed for something... but I want my Yuki. I wonder if Yuki misses me... everyone... have they noticed that I've disappeared yet? Are they glad for it...? The mere thought scares me. Are they glad that I'm gone? Should I die, would they miss me? Every now and then... death whispers to me... an easy way out. There's plenty of ways to get it done... but for Yuki, I will go through hell and back. I will show him that I'm strong. I can do this!

LiveJournal for Shindou Shuichi.

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